Quietly pushing our way through the bread aisle of the grocery store last month, we were suddenly accosted by another group opposite our own.  The mom was barking orders as one child ran down the aisle.  Another child sprinted in a different direction with no apparent goal.  Both children were publicly disciplined, and, as the mother rushed past us, she turned and said with a laugh, "Is it back to school time, yet?!" 

I smiled, looking down at my cart where my three children sat, gleefully passing around a bag of marshmallows. (The squabbling didn't begin until the dairy aisle where there was a heated debate over who got the honor of eating the last one.)  Yes, I thought, it is almost back to school time, and I find that very sad.

If this same event had occurred in, let's say, June, when we had enough rain that building an ark seemed like a plausible way to pass the time, I would have suggested the other mom and I abandon our children in the ice cream aisle for an hour and take a break in the book section.  At that point in our long awaited summer vacation, I had had about enough.  I had run out of entertaining indoor activities, and was seriously contemplating going back to work full-time just to get away. 

But then our northeastern region dried up and the sun came out.  Back to the playgrounds, beaches and smiles! Back to "Oh, it's 10:30 and you haven't had breakfast yet?  Let's have brunch today!"  Back to putting off the chores for one more game of Chinese Checkers.  Back to taking the time to say yes to the frequent demand of one more book at bedtime.

I mourn the end of these days. 

There was a time, back about eight years ago, when September couldn't get here fast enough: A small window in my life in which I was Mrs. Gracia, elementary teacher extraordinaire.  Then, I became Alex's mom.

I couldn't wait to get back into that classroom, sort through my ever-growing collection of stuff, and set up for a new year.  I yearned for the sound of that first school bus pulling in and delivering a whole new crop of children to mold and inspire.  A big part of me will always be excited for a new school year.  I am of the lucky few who has found something I love to do, and a way to make money doing it. 

But, ever since that first August, seven years ago, when I had to face parting with my baby boy and deal with the fact that Someone Else was going to feed him lunch while I cared for Someone Else's children, I find this time of year heartbreaking.  I knew, all those years ago, that my definition of myself had evolved.

My January has always been September.  Once those busses start rolling by, I know another year has ended; another year during which my children grew tremendously and sometimes silently right beneath my eyes.  This year, Alex developed a maturity and a vocabulary fit for an old man.  Sam learned to express himself so completely that we are never left wondering exactly how he feels about anything.  And Emma, she has grown into this empathetic, nurturing little person who adores shoes. 

I mourn this season's end.  I will not be doing secret cheerleading routines in my head while seeing my children off for another school year.  I will be wiping the tears from the corners of my eyes when I drop my youngest off at day care, knowing her transition is getting used to school without her big brother by her side.  I will be pulling the tissues out of my pockets when I turn to wave goodbye to Sam as he hops away to his new friends at pre-school.  And I will try to bravely hide those same tears as my oldest walks down the hallway to his new second grade classroom, and I greet my new crop of first graders with a smile. 

As I often do, I will remind myself that it may be the end of one time, but it is the beginning of a new one. And in that, I will find the inspiration to start yet another year.

By Nicole Gracia

Nicole Gracia lives on the South Shore with her husband, Glen, their three children and their cat, Oreo.  When she isn't writing or caring for her family, she teaches other children how to write (and read and add and subtract).

Read Nicole's blog at: http://nicolesnotes-nicole.blogspot.com/.

Comments(1):

1. congrats!!!

   Great article!!!! iam so proud of you!! So happy for you! i Love you! Love your sister, Lori

   Thursday, September 24, 2009 Lori