The secret (or not so secret) stay-at-home versus working parent rivalry is a sensitive subject I hesitate to touch.  Mostly because I have many friends that I love and admire in various situations, some dictated by choice others by necessity (on both sides of the coin).  There are a hundred different disagreements, sides, dilemmas, topics, and emotions that can cause frustration and aggravation even amongst the closest of friends.  I have way too many opinions about a number of these and though I aim keep it to myself, one came up very recently that I thought was… interesting.

Two friends were having a conversation, while I was seated beside them.  Our other girlfriend who stays home with her children was also in the room.  We are all childhood friends and, in a way I sincerely appreciate, are comfortable enough with each other to speak pretty freely in each others company.  I’m not saying this is usually in uniform agreement – we are as different as can be, just one of those things that I generally appreciate and comes with long-lasting history.  This one falls into the exception. 

So one of them is going back to work soon after recently having her first child.  She seems eager to go back to work, but financially I don’t think she feels like there is a choice.  The other friend has several children and has worked throughout her motherhood on a career-based path.  They are in the same field of work and the subject was relatively innocent regarding getting back into the swing of things, what to expect, nerves, etc.  Here’s where it got a little interesting…

The conversation morphed into ‘using your brain’.  My friend with the new baby has been home for three months.  She’s doing a great job but I’ve already sensed that this is a little more than she expected, especially having been on her own for 35 years.  Who wouldn’t feel that way?  So they started to banter back and forth on how they needed to feel like they were using their brains again.  At first it sounded like an explanation, maybe from guilt.  Now, I am sitting right next to them.  I’ve been a stay at home mom for almost nine years.  I recently started my own business but am still my children’s primary care giver. 

Our other friend, a brilliant, top-of-her-class stay-at-home mom for almost five.  We have been in each other’s lives for twenty to thirty years, this is not a news flash.  I didn’t say anything, kept my mouth shut, but it wasn’t easy.  Besides being a bit insulting and thoughtless I also found it sort of fascinating.  Fascinating that they would say all this in front of us.  Fascinating because I know they care about us.  Fascinating because they have so little experience in the trenches themselves.  They were so matter of fact about it.  Now my sensitivity could be getting the best of me –I’m not denying that - but it was pretty close to: you don’t need a brain to stay home and raise a child. 

You would think that I was just offended, but I actually almost laughed to myself at their ignorance.  And I did weigh in the guilt of wanting to go back to work and the fear of losing yourself in the never-ending bottles and diapers, and all the other emotions you could think of.  These are really bright women, but to think that you don’t need to use your brain (to maximum capacity) to be the main caregiver to a child is well… quite frankly - ridiculous.  This bothered me more than I wanted it to.  I don’t like feeling that way towards friends and it brought up questions and arguments in my own mind for a few days.

Now that I have my thoughts together here’s what I might have said.  I probably would have started out with a…  Really??  The first three months are a mind-numbing life-altering blur; anyone who’s had a baby knows that.  And yes there are many days that you are un-showered, still in your pjs when your spouse gets home, and cannot for the life of you figure out what you did all day except keep that kid alive.  But once you get past that early greasy-haired-narcoleptic stage if you’re not using your brain… well….  I feel kind of worried for you and your child.  I take my job of being home with my kids very seriously.  This is not a stab against working moms or dads.  Just an issue with the brainpower needed to pull off decent, though I am striving for spectacular, children.  I chose to stay home to raise my children.  I’m not looking to just keep them alive.  I care if they are happy (and not just satiated in the moment), of good character, well mannered, healthy eaters, good playmates, welcomed houseguests, creative, hard working, etc.  Most of us do.  I’m going to go as far as to say everyone should.  I scheme and plot and plan to keep up with my three very different personalities of children to bring out the best in them every single day.  I’m not super woman.  I’m not always great at it.  But I think about it every single day.  That’s why it takes a lot of brain power.  At the rate kids grow and their needs and personalities change if you aren’t on your toes and ready for action it’s easy to fail.

I’m not saying I don’t check out every so often.  It’s exhausting.  I’ve been know to be there in body and not spirit for a week or two here and there.  And it’s not just the tedious task of chasing down toddlers, getting teeth brushed and tummy’s fed.  -Guiding them daily in the right direction.  What to tell them when a boy kisses them on the playground when they’re only eight; a fourth grade bully kicks dirt in their face; how to teach bravery when they’re terrified (and you are too); the challenges are endless and seem to spring out of nowhere every other minute.

So I use my brain every day at my job.  I’m not modest: I’m good at it and I still work very hard.  Some days I get it right - some days I don’t.  I’m never going to get a pay raise, never a cooler job title; no one is giving me a promotion.  But every so often I get a bonus; they do something exceptional that I know I had something to do with.  And someday… when my kids are grown up and I get to watch them in the world, see what they do with their mistakes and successes, see how they raise their children, all my ‘thinking’ will have paid off.  Not just because they’ll be spectacular, and I’m pretty damn sure they will be, but because I didn’t just keep them alive… I thought and thought and thought…. about them.

So forget about all the guilt and worry and crap that comes with beautiful, magical babies.  I’m all for saying what you think – about anything.  (Seriously after some of the stuff I write could you doubt that??)  But I wonder about the justifications some of us make.  The things said out loud.  I wonder if you really feel that way because you believe it, or if you’re trying to convince yourself to ease the pain in the decisions you’re making??  Or are you just not there yet and still a bit naïve?  I always needed to be home with my kids and I always knew it.  I don’t know what it’s like to be torn, or feel guilty for not wanting it or (gulp) not valuing it.  But I still very much wonder…. Is that what you really, really think??

We’d love to hear what you think!! Join the discussion by adding your comments….

By Emily Loverin

Emily Loverin is our creative go-to-girl.  Her column Everything-Emily incorporates projects from fine arts to crafts and always keeps even the smallest designers in mind.  She is a Scituate native where she currently lives with her husband Marc, and their three children Addison, Charlie and Jake.  Visit EVERYTHING EMILY to learn more about her services, featuring full service interior design, planning of events, house staging, mural painting, invitations & graphic design.

Comments(1):

1. Great article! I've been guilty of using that same phrase "using your brain." Now that I'm home with the kids full time and working on a new business from home, I laugh when I think that I ever used that phrase. I "use my brain" more than ever! What I discovered on my journey from full time career woman/mom to the at home mom world is that it really wasn't about "using your brain" but about finding something outside of motherhood that kept me fulfilled, made me feel good or successful, etc. For some women, that is work. For others it's reading, the gym, music, etc. For me, it was why I started a business from home. At least at work I know what I'm doing, I can experience success and I can have adult conversation. There is nothing like motherhood (especially first time motherhood) to make a woman feel like a complete idiot sometimes. I mean kids don't come with instructions! And while you're fumbling around trying to figure out this motherhood thing, there are plenty of people criticizing what you are doing (some of them mothers themselves) and that can get you down and make you feel less than successful. Combine that with the isolation that sets in when you leave the very social work environment for home with a baby and it's sort of understandable why a lot of women want to run back to work to "use their brain."

   Monday, August 30, 2010 Jen