The Breakup Text

Remember that Sex and the City episode when Berger breaks up with Carrie via a Post-It note? She’s pissed; marching furiously down a busy Manhattan street yelling at the poor schmuck who bumps into her, and then finding her best friends in the restaurant to announce: “Boy, do I have news!”

That’s good T.V., until it turns into reality. Yes, in my own little reality I got a breakup note. Not on a Post-It, that only happens on HBO. No, mine came electronically in a text message. Yup, leave it to me to find a 40-something guy who hides behind his iPhone.

You may be wondering aloud, as I did, "Really? Who does that?"  We’ll revisit that later. First, here’s what happened:

It was a recent rainy winter Monday morning and I was just turning into a parking space to meet my 10:30 appointment when I heard my Blackberry ‘bing’.  I took a quick glance and saw his name. The Blackberry ‘binged’ again with his name, again. I’m thinking he’s totally missing me since we hadn't seen each other in a week, and he is sending a flirty, sexy message. Instead, I read: “Steph, I just want to share with you that I met someone….” It goes on and on.

I look at the time—10:31---I'm already late, but this can’t wait. I dial his number and miraculously, he answers.

“A text? Seriously?” That’s really all I could get through my clenched teeth.

I wasn’t as cool as Carrie. She vowed not to validate the stupidity of it all by calling Berger and leaving a hostile voice mail that said, “Hi, it’s me. You’re a dick!”

No, it’s my nature to call and confront. And, it usually backfires. This time was no different.

The conversation didn’t last long, but what I did learn in three minutes was that he had spent every night of the previous week with this woman. I got details about how they talked, enjoyed being together, and really got to know each other.  Oh, but they didn't have sex. Well, that is really good to know!  But, geeeeez, TOO MUCH SHARING, mister!  As I'm listening to him I could feel my stomach turning and eyes rolling back in my head. It was all I could do to stop myself from plugging my ears with my index finger and singing "La, la, la, la, I can't hear you!"   Then, to add insult to injury, Don Juan tells me that despite the fact he met someone else (translation: someone better), he thinks I’m ‘awesome’.  Wow. Thanks. That's great.

I could hear myself saying "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh", and knew it was time to hang up.  “Okay, well, good luck,” I said. And, he responded in kind before we both thumb wrestled the 'end call' button.

In all honesty, we had not been dating that long--- six or seven weeks, at the most. There was no real investment in the relationship, and, if I’m going to be honest, he seemed to be a good guy and he did some really nice things for me (other than the text telling me he found a better booty). So, I had to ask myself as I called my best friends to disclose the gory details of my latest relationship fatality, why did I feel like Carrie Bradshaw flipping people off on 8^th and 34^th streets? Why was I so upset?

 I could get philosophical and dig deep into my psyche to come up with some emotional answer around letting my guard down and feeling vulnerable and hurt after taking a leap of faith toward finding love.  But, nah. We weren't dating long enough for that--- or for me to even waste my energy over-analyzing the situation in my typical style.  No, it was very simple.  I was upset because breaking up with someone via text is just wrong. Even my 15 year-old daughter agrees (of course, she's getting Tiffany jewelry and concert tickets for Lincoln Park in a private suite at the Garden from her very sweet 16 year-old boyfriend, so what does she really know about it?).  But it is wrong. I researched it on the Internet and every relationship expert says texting bye-bye is a no-no.

So, I’m not mad the relationship ended.  It would have, eventually. I’m mad that I didn’t get the decency of parting ways over dinner, or, I would have even taken a nice break-up phone call (with no mention of the other woman)… 

But, back to the question: Who sends a breakup text?  I do have some off-the-cuff thoughts on that related to balls--- or the lack thereof. But, I’ll temper my response and say, maybe he's just a player, perhaps (and shame on me for not spotting that earlier). Or, maybe it’s someone who met his soul mate while dating someone else (i.e. me), and, consumed in his own joy, he turned heartless when it came to other people's feelings (i.e. mine).  In the spirit of being kind, forgiving, and not angry, I will give him the benefit of the doubt.  I thank him for cutting out sooner rather than later. And, if I saw him today I would say to that certain someone, I hope you met the girl of your dreams and live happily ever after….

But for future reference: “There is a good way to breakup with someone, and it doesn’t include an e-mail, a doorman, a missing persons report....a Post-It,”  Or a TEXT!!!!!