Omniscient Observer

Anyone who knows me well knows my secret fear of sitting at a bar all alone. I even have trouble walking into a bar by myself just in case my friends haven't arrived yet and, God forbid, I stand there forced to finally sit at the bar. Alone.

In my mind, a woman having a drink by herself is either extraordinarily confident or extremely desperate. My fear is that I'll be lumped into the 'desperate' category by onlookers.

So imagine my surprise when, while on a business trip to Houston a few weeks ago, I returned to my hotel after dinner with a friend, and I took a right towards the bar rather than a left towards my room.

I entered The Cattleman's Café without hesitation. Walked up to an empty seat at the bar, said 'hello' to the guy and girl on either side of me, and ordered my pinot grigio--all without batting a nervous eyelash. Perhaps it was because I was in a city far away where nobody knows me. But only once in my 20-year career have I done such a thing, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me!

At the Cattleman, however, I readily and easily struck up conversations with everyone around me. People were buying me drinks, inviting me to their home state of Washington, and offering me french fries off their dinner plate. While pleased by my newfound popularity, I was more entertained by the human drama unfolding in front of my eyes. See, during the 45 minute discussion we bar pals had been having, I realized that Kim, the lettuce farmer from Arizona who comes to town every three weeks with her mom who is undergoing chemotherapy for her breast cancer at a local hospital, and, Ray, an over-served surfer dude wannabe who works in the hotel, were having an affair!

He was distracted by the "bitch" who kept texting his cell phone, and she was calling him a 'jerk' while continuing to shamelessly flirt. They were both wearing wedding rings, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they weren't married to each other.

I turned to Jared, the 29-year old engineer sitting to my right and said, "That guy is a dick."

Jared looked over my shoulder and nodded in between bites of his bacon burger. "Maybe he's just had too much to drink," he responded. (Okay, so it takes more than an engineer, but less than a rocket scientist to figure this one out.)

"Well, he has," I agreed. "But he's a loser too because he's pretending to be something that he's not. He's married, you know. And, not to Kim," I said in our hushed conversation.

Jared nodded again. "Oh, yeah, he's a loser."

(Oh....this is too easy!!)

(And, sidenote...I didn't see Kim's wedding band until after my comment to Jared, otherwise I would have included her in the "bitch-loser" category too.)

Overall, it was a very odd moment. I felt, in some way, like the omniscient narrator of a story who has the ability to get inside of everyone's head. I wasn't judging Ray or Kim, I was stating a fact.

Shortly after my second glass of wine I left the bar, despite the pleas of my new friends (including Ray and Kim), for just "one more"!  I was in control of the situation, and completely confident in my own skin.

It was an interesting trip for me, only because I usually work out of my home office--- all by my lonesome. Out in the real world, people fascinate me. I realized that I've become an "interested observer" of people, and perhaps life in general. For example, I wondered what Kim's husband was doing back in Arizona. Did he miss her? Or, maybe he cared more about his lettuce and the farm. Maybe she doesn't get any attention at home which is why she likes to hang out at Houston bars and flirt with underachievers.

On my way to Houston, I didn't read my People magazine while waiting in the airport terminal, rather, I watched the people and fabricated storylines in my mind around who they were, where they were going, and why. The stories in my head aren't necessarily right. For example, while watching the Southwest Airlines staff surround an old man and take pictures with him, I guessed he was a local politician. I tested my theory by asking the girl next to me if she knew who he was. The guy across from me filled me in-- he was the founder of the airlines.

Okay, so, I'm not right. But, I have finally found a way to get out of my own head--- which can be very destructive to me personally. As an "active observer of life" I don't worry if people will think I'm a desperate single woman in a bar, because I'm more interested in the antics of others. I'm just happy to participate in the moment!

Read the '40 Winks' blog each month to share in my journey as a 40-something single mom in the suburbs. (It's like Sex in the City minus the city and the sex.)